☛ A 7.4 magnitude earthquake strikes in southern Mexico, damaging around 800 homes and plunging the state into terror. Fortunately, no causalities are reported.
☛ Spa enthusiasts are heard to rejoice all across Planet Earth as a Nasa spacecraft finds salacious evidence of water ice at Mercury’s poles. Should make a nice respite from the goddamn-fuck-off-this-place-is- ridiculous-hot climate when visiting the region.
☛ Serial-killer, abattoir-worker and New South Wales’ most wanted man, Malcolm Naden, is arrested after fleeing from authorities for seven years, ending one of Australia’s biggest manhunts in history. Naden is reported to have in traditional Australian fashion, slaughtered kangaroos for sustenance while evading the law.
☛ In response to a recent surplus of freedom, China’s Justice Minister has ordered all lawyers swear an oath of allegiance to the Communist Party. While the very-democratic- and-definitely-not-in-anyway- authoritarian government has claimed this is only to stop naughty lawyers defending naughty human rights activists, rogue dissidents have pronounced the move as “inappropriate.”
☛ Timaru’s universally abused Saturday morning free parking policy is set to end according to devastating council discussions in a drastic attempt to raise money to save Timaru from financial oblivion. Locals announce there’s officially no reason now to leave the house on weekends.