News on the March

By: Salient  05-Apr-2012

☛ A 7.4 magnitude earthquake strikes in southern Mexico, damaging around 800 homes and plunging the state into terror. Fortunately, no causalities are reported.

☛ Spa enthusiasts are heard to rejoice all across Planet Earth as a Nasa spacecraft finds salacious evidence of water ice at Mercury’s poles. Should make a nice respite from the goddamn-fuck-off-this-place-is- ridiculous-hot climate when visiting the region.

☛ Serial-killer, abattoir-worker and New South Wales’ most wanted man, Malcolm Naden, is arrested after fleeing from authorities for seven years, ending one of Australia’s biggest manhunts in history. Naden is reported to have in traditional Australian fashion, slaughtered kangaroos for sustenance while evading the law.

☛ In response to a recent surplus of freedom, China’s Justice Minister has ordered all lawyers swear an oath of allegiance to the Communist Party. While the very-democratic- and-definitely-not-in-anyway- authoritarian government has claimed this is only to stop naughty lawyers defending naughty human rights activists, rogue dissidents have pronounced the move as “inappropriate.”

☛ Timaru’s universally abused Saturday morning free parking policy is set to end according to devastating council discussions in a drastic attempt to raise money to save Timaru from financial oblivion. Locals announce there’s officially no reason now to leave the house on weekends.

Other news and updates from Salient


Bombs in Kelburn

The Senior Sergeant told Salient he thought the University’s evacuation and performance of campus security was “all done well”, noting that the evacuation was completed before police arrived on the scene. Tuesday morning saw bomb threats instead of psychology tutorials as the Easterfield Building at Kelburn campus was evacuated after the University received an anonymous bomb threat.


Undergraduate Review Released

Hood said she was particularly excited about the creation of a common points system between degrees to reduce confusion, the focus on effective use of learning technologies to engage students, and support for first years to transition into university-level study.


Child Liberator Over-Liberates

Jason Russell, director of the viral video Kony 2012, was detained on March 15 after reportedly cavorting around the streets of San Diego naked, screaming obscenities, vandalising cars, and masturbating in public, less than two weeks after his video shot Russell to global fame.